HOW TO KNOW YOU'RE GROWING OLDER

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong
wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
You decide to procrastinate but then never get around to it.
You're still chasing women, but can't remember why.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but no one asks you any questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You sit in a rocking chair, but can't make it go.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil after 9 p.m.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
You have too much room in your house, but not enough in your medicine cabinet.

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