A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
Mass,
he asked the monsignor how he had done it. The monsignor replied  "When I
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass full of vodka
next to
the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip"

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
service, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded talk up a storm.
Upon
returning to his office after Mass, he found the following note on his
door.

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. The are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob waged his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We don't refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he didn't beat the hell out of him
9. We do not refer to the cross as the big T.
10. I think the idea of the drive up confessional is good, but the motto
"Toot and Tell or go to Hell" needs to be reworded