It's the first day of school and the teacher told her kindergarten  class,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two  fingers." 
After a moment of quiet thought, one little boy asked:   "How will that
help?"

* * *

During a human science class for younger students, the teacher asked the
students what part of the human body could grow to six times its size at
certain times.  A little girl raised her hand and said, "Teacher, you know
my daddy's a preacher and you know we don't say those words in my house.
You are just trying to embarrass me."  Next he called on Johnny and Johnny
said, "The iris, it grows to six times it size when you are in the dark."
Teacher said, "That's right Johnny."  Then said, "Little girls you have a
very dirty mind, and when you grow up and get married one day, you are
going to be very disappointed."

* * *

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation.  As he sits on
the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if
I have a few?" he asks.  "No, not at all", the woman replied. They chat for
an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of
eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.  "I'm terribly
sorry for eating all your peanuts.  I really just meant to eat a few,"
said the preacher.  "Oh, that's all right," the woman says.  "Ever since I
lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them." 

* * * 

GREEN EGGS & HAMLET

 I ask to be, or not to be.
 That is the question, I ask of me.
 This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
 My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
 Would I, could I take my life?
 Could I, should I, end this strife?
 Should I jump out of a plane?
 Or throw myself before a train?
 Should I from a cliff just leap?
 Could I put myself to sleep?
 Shoot myself, or take some poison?
 Maybe try self immolation?
 To shudder off this mortal coil,
 I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
 Slash my wrists while in the bath?
 Would it end my angst and wrath?
 To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
 I could drop a toaster in my tub.
 Would all be glad, if I were dead?
 Could I perhaps kill them instead?
 This line of thought takes consideration -
 For I'm the king of procrastination.

* * *

     A fellow was following behind a big truck while in  heavy traffic.  
Every block or so, when the truck would stop at a light, the truck driver 
would jump out of the cab with a big stick.  Carrying the stick, he would 
run back and bang on the side of the cargo bay of his trailer.  He would 
then jump back into the cab just in time to drive away when the signal 
turned green.

     The fellow following the truck observed this same rituial for several 
miles, until he could stand it no longer.  The next time the truck driver 
jumped out with the stick, the man pulled up next to the truck driver.  
"I'm sorry to bother you," he said, over the din of the banging, "but I am 
very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?"

     Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Why sure, Mac. 
Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck.  But I've got eight ton of canaries
on board.  So I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I
don't break an axle".

* * *