-smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips -sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any. -never take life seriously. nobody gets out alive anyways -if vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of? -no guts, no glory, no brain, same story. -cocaine is god's way of telling you you make too much money. -if quiters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool that first said "quit while you are ahead"? -if you don't die from it it is healthy. -never sleep with anyone crazier than you. -everybody should believe in something-i believe i'll have another drink. -it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. -if everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on. -sex is like snow. you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it will last. -one good turn gets most of the blankets -there is no difference between a wise man and a fool when it comes to love. -it is better to be looked over than to be overlooked -women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. -why is there a lock on the door to 7-11? it is open 24 hours a day. -if con is the opposite of pro, then would the opposite of progress be congress? -duct tape is like the force-there is a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. -there are three kinds of people. those who count and those who can't. -it is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. it is how he found out! -my homework is like a juicy steak-rarely done. -there are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead. -if elvis were alive right now, he'd be scratching at the inside of his coffin. -life is sexually transmitted -everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die. -an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -if at first you dont succeed-give up! no use being a damn fool. -time is nature's way of making sure that all the shit doesn't happen at once. -falling in love is awfully simple. falling out of love is simply awful -all things being equal, you lose. -you can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't fool mom. -no job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong -you can only be young once, but you can be immature forever. -only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles. -everything is possible except skiing through revolving doors. -disco is to music what the etch-a-sketch is to art. -the sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant, but the population is increasing -Fundamental law of the universe. nothing travels faster than a bouncing check. -the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.