How to Dodge Religious Solicitors


It's Saturday morning when, suddenly, you hear a knock at the door.

Everyone you know is either hung over or cleaning house. They all know
better than to attempt any contact with you before noon anyway. It can only
be one thing. Religious canvassers. Actually, that's two things, since,
like snakes, they travel in pairs. You peek out the window, expecting to
see two kids who look like IBM recruits.

Instead, you see a pudgy old lady in a faded print dress, attended by a
skinny teenage girl with stringy hair and more freckles than a trout. The
girl glances nervously at the slit in the curtain and quickly looks away.
Girl Scout cookies? Raffle tickets? Opening the door out of curiousity, you
become the proud owner of a copy of their tract. It was the girl who fooled
you. You never figured
they'd bring a kid along. You rack your brains for some gracious means of
escape, making a silent resolution that next time you'll follow your
instinct to stand motionless in the middle of the living room hoping that
protective coloration will render you invisible.

Rack your brains no longer! After years of similar experiences, I have
developed several techniques for turning those agonizing encounters into
hours of entertainment. Here are just a few of the great techniques you can
use:

    1.  Listen for a minute or two with a polite but puzzled expression and
then speak in a foreign language. Better yet, make one up. Brand names for
electronic components serve as an excellent base for an impromptu language.
I've found the following bit to be an excellent opener: 'Fritzen mitsuba
micht sony leam spartinza. Nakamichi shpont olufsen takamine.  Cheloken
eraza fleecht?'

    2.  Before you open the door, put on a pair of Groucho glasses and pour
some Pine Sol in a coffee cup. Then attempt to engage them in a serious
debate, spreading Pine Sol fumes by blowing occasionally into the cup as if
you are cooling it. See how long you can hold them.  Try to remember not to
drink out of the cup.

    3.  Pretend to be deaf. Point to your ears, shake your head, and make
intricate movements with your fingers and hands. This can backfire if they
happen to know sign language. In that case, switch to being blind.

    4.  Tell them you are a druid. This is much more convincing if you live
in an oak grove and paint yourself blue.

    5.  Ask them if they are from the health board about the hepatitis
quarantine. Offer them a sip of your coffee.

    6.  Tell them you are not allowed to talk to strangers until the
assault case has come to trial.  More effective if you come to the door
with a knife or a baseball bat.

    7.  Using a cordless phone, call someone you haven't talked to for a
while. Then go to the door and make gestures like you'll only be a minute.
See how long they stay. My best record is 10 minutes.