Strange Signs The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A. _____________________________________________ At gas eterias through the nation: Eat here and get gas. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy On a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass. In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting! On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour! On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. On a Pennsylvania highway: Drive carefully. Auto accidents kill most people 15 to 19. In downtown Boston: Calahan Tunnel -- No end In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here? In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends. In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight. In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: Now serving live lobsters. On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak. On a movie marquee: Now playing: ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands! In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. On a roller coaster: Watch your head. On the grounds of a public school: No tresspassing without permission. In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away. On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car. And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign." Sign on a variety store in Westbrook, Maine: "Free Cigarettes with purchase of matches - $2.00" Sign in front of a hardware store, right next to the variety store above, on a display of rolled-up grass/sod ("Instantlawn"): "Pssst! Wanna buy some grass? In a Mom-and-Pop variety store in Groton, Mass., where I used to live: "Our new Credit Manager is Helen Waite. If you want credit go to Helen Waite." And, in a pizza joint where I live now: "We made a deal with the bank - they don't make pizzas and we don't cash checks." (I've seen that in several places too - go ahead and flame me) Seen in a Church: Would parishioners please note that the bowl to the rear of the church that says "For the sick" is for monetary contributions only. Thank you.