The Top 15 Surprises at the Windows '95 Birthday Party  

15.  Those crazy Intel folks send a birthday card wishing Win95 a "Happy
.9993827 Birthday."

14.  Spirited game of Kick the Mac.

13.  Announcement that cake and drinks can be purchased separately as
"add-ons."

12.  Despite massive e-mail campaign, Claudia Schiffer and Pamela Anderson
Lee are both no-shows.

11.  Unintentionally set world record for number of multi-millionaires
doing the macarena.

10.  All gussied up in a pink evening gown, Bill Gates sings a breathy
"Happy Birthday, Mr. Windows 95."  

 9.  Cake turns out to be merely an apple with frosting on it.

 8.  Bill Gates announces that he actually owns only 97% of the world, not
the erroneously-reported 99.97%. 

 7.  Bill may be worth more than God, but he *still* won't invest in a new
pair of Dockers.  

 6.  The tech support person is in attendance.

 5.  A drunken Lucifer crashes the party, waving a contract and babbling
about Bill Gates' soul.  

 4.  That wacky Ted Danson shows up in blackface again.  

 3.  After a little Star-Trek, a little D&D, and a few too many .GIF's of
Sandra Bullock, Microsoft programmers cut loose by takin' off the ol'
Birkenstocks and doing a little beard-trimmin'.

 2.  Not one pair of glasses held together by a band aid.

    and the Number 1 Surprise at the Windows '95 Birthday Party...  

 1.  That special moment when Bill Gates closes his eyes, makes a wish and
blows out AOL.