I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always 
room-temperature.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." 

	So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.I got a full house 
and four people died.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've 
forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything 
specifically.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy 
was  locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 
hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if 
they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they 
ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them 
again.

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced 
it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know 
you?"

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are 
furious.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so  
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call 
from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I 
never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near 
the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave 
a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you 
know  the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't 
going to be out that long."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't 
you  see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I 
read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I 
 get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, 
trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who 
in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking 
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm  
leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire 
area was missing.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like 
I'm the only one moving.

For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place 
to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. 

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means 
it's going to be up all night.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast 
all over the world.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" 
I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. 
She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She 
said, "They're behind the couch."

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went 
to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in 
Spanish.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just 
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was 
an only child . . . eventually.

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far 
that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you 
catchyourself? That's how I feel all the time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for Thesaurus?